I am starting sense another bad work experience. This week I kept getting my hours cut in half on every scheduled shift. I really should start looking for a job before I become really frustrated with the current one. I was really hoping that I don’t run into troubles with this job. Despite the low wage, I was really interested in this job. It’s because of the flexible hours they have. They are open 24/7 which means I have a lot of options of when I want to work. If My finaid appeal does get rejected I was hoping to find a part time job on campus and do this job in the afternoon or nights or in weekends. I think it’s doable. But the way they are cutting my hours, I am starting to lose my hope of staying at this job at least for the next semester. I don’t know where I am planning wrong this time but everything seems like falling apart again right before I start School! I really don’t want to take out a private loan and I am not even sure if I can take out one given my parents’ and my financial situation. Sometimes I feel really about the fact that I am poor my parents are poor and I have no one to pull me up from the problems. Every time I try to do it by myself, everything just falls apart even before I can start. I don’t know if should blame poverty or my lack of effort on this situation at this time. I don’t think I am not working hard this time but who knows. May be I Can’t see what I am doing wrong.
Well so much for the good time…”sigh”…I couldn’t fall asleep after the somewhat easy night shift…so by the afternoon, I was tired as hell…all I wanted is to go back to sleep but I thought I had another night shift tonight. Once I went to work I realized that I missed a shift on day before yesterday and I had no work today. I was kind of relieved because I really just wanted to go to sleep. Oh, my sisters also came this afternoon. It’s really not going as good as I anticipated. My immediate younger sister started bitching about how she’s annoyed by my youngest sister ever since she got on the bus. She also kept complaining about her friend, the friend she suggested that I should invite. Even though I was disturbed by all these complaining, I ignored it and tried to be good sport. Since I was home I made them hot coca, bought ice cream, and made salsa & chips. I sat down with her watched the TV show she likes while her friend and my youngest sister played video games. Now at 3:30 am and I requested everyone to go to sleep cause I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. Everyone packed up and went to sleep except her. She just kept Watching one episode after another. I started to get really pissed off but said nothing. So finally she stopped watching when her laptop ran out of battery. I don’t know who she was angry at but she Started showing off an attitude again to my youngest sister. Now I am trying to help her and I thought if she comes here she will experience a little change then go back to school, start fresh. She’s facing the same problem as me. She has a horrible study habit, takes on more than she can handle, and a parents who thinks the only way to solve her problem is through micromanaging. I faced the same struggle at her age and I thought if I step in may be I can help her. May be she won’t have to fail her classes to learn the lesson. But she’s becoming increasingly impossible to help. I mean how can you help someone when that person knows only to complain and sulk over her grades but never really take any effective steps to improve the situation? She is the one who wanted to come here, asked me to help her with homework but now she’s complaining that she should go back home. I know what will happen when she goes back home. She will spend all day watching anime or other TV shows. And my dad who has high blood pressure and all sorts of disease will become so sick that he can almost have a heart attack. My mom is under depression medication for three years now and when she starts doing these things mom just goes into an even deeper depressed mood. They only feel better when I reassure them again and again that I will make sure she does her homework and go to school regularly. My only wish is if I only knew how to do it. And as for this holiday, I can see that it’s ruined. The good time I was hoping to have, she wont let me. She always has a way to ruin everything. The days I go home or try to help her out are also the days I become very sure that I don’t ever want to have kids. The facts that the cute kids will one day grow up and become teenagers like her or may be worse scares the heck out of me. But I still go back to and try to help because I feel like all the problem she’s going through aren’t entirely her fault. She’s still a minor after all. I can’t wait till the day she becomes an adult and starts making her own decisions. Only then I feel like I can blame her entirely for her stupidity or laziness or whatever it is. I think I am eagerly waiting for that day.
So today is Friday. I have work at 11pm tonight. This is the first time in my life I am doing night shift. My sisters were supposed to come today since today was their last day at school. Then I realized bus fare tomorrow is only six dollars, they are coming tomorrow. I didn’t have work on last two days. Most of my day was gone sleeping. Last two days were also the laziest time in weeks, I think. Laziness might have something to do with depression. Given my current situation, constantly checking if my appeal was still reviewed, last two days of extreme laziness kind of dragged me into a deeper depressed mood. I was hoping if my sisters are here then I will lighten up but I guess I will have to wait one more day. Since I am not doing anything, I kind of hope that I will spend time with my boyfriend. So from my point of view we haven’t had a nice time for almost two weeks now. I went home on last Wednesday and stayed until Tuesday. On those days we only shared few SMS. I don’t get much time to talk with him when I am home because my parents and sisters just block my whole to find out any extra time for anything else. In any case, I was hoping once I am back we will figure out a time to chat which we haven’t. Well he calls me in the morning for five-ten minutes before he goes to work and then on two of his break for five minutes each. That is all our conversation for the whole day. I don’t know if I mentioned, he lives in Australia. Anyhow, he thinks he spends all his day either working or talking to me while I keep thinking that’s not real talk, that’s chit chat. I don’t know what I was exactly expecting from him over the Christmas break but he is going out with his friends to celebrate the Christmas. I am not that mad right now because I know I will be busy. What kind of saddens me is that if we keep doing that we will never have free time to sit down and talk or spend time. For some reason I don’t feel like to be the person who initiate the conversation to figure out time for each other. It is probably because even last night he told he spends most of his time working or talking to me. To get rid of this problem I am thinking of not talking to him at all on weekdays. The problem is I don’t have a good routine which I can follow. If I have day shift this week then night shift next week. And also I think the distance is taking a toll on this relationship finally. I don’t like the fact that he is not here on my bad days or on good days.
“As long as you keep walking, you’ll find your destination”
I am not sure where or how I found this quote but this quote alone has been a great inspiration for me. For me it’s not enough just to hear a great quote. If I can’t relate with it than I’ll probably know it just as wise word and never really try to use it to inspire or help me in my life. It’s weird how I connect to this quote. I came to the city I live now on 2009 to attend in the University. My first year I lived in dorm and second year lived in a heavily student populated area which was only five minutes walk from the main campus. On the third year I decided to move further in order to save money on rent. So I moved twenty minutes drive away from the main campus. However, I never had to drive because there was a university shuttle line from my apartment to the campus. This is also heavily student populated area due to the shuttle service. Since then I have been living here but I wasn’t going to school all the time. I was dismissed for the second time while I was living here. So I had to start looking for job, preferably full time to support myself. This is when I first had to start going to other parts of the city where I have never been. It’s because I only went to campus and came back to my apartment and I was only familiar with the surrounding few hundred feet of my apartment and the campus. All these years I didn’t even know how to drive from campus to my apartment because I always took the shuttle. I never noticed which route we were taking. As soon as I was in the bus I would start to listen to music or read or just get into daydreams. The result was that in those three years I didn’t know anything about this city. So When I started looking for job and needed to go for interview I found myself lost all the time. I have to mention that this is when I borrowed the car; I used to drive in high school, from my dad. Before that I also never attempted to drive on highway. So in this unknown city with no experience on highways I was forced to get on the road and start driving. I tried taking public transportation for few months and speaking of truth public transportation sucks in this city as it does in many hundreds of other American cities. In addition to the unfamiliar layout of the city I didn’t have any GPS. So every time I had to go out for something I would look into Google map once, twice, trice and sometimes more. However, as soon I had hit the road I would find myself lost may be because I took a wrong turn or didn’t recognize the signs or whatever. Then I would find myself driving for twenty thirty minutes extra, sometimes hours because I didn’t know which highway connects with what or what direction will lead me somewhere near where I live. It would be increasingly frustrating and many times I missed the interview or doctor appointments or other important stuffs because I was lost and I couldn’t find my ways back. Eventually I developed this stubbornness that it doesn’t matter if I am there on time, it doesn’t matter if I can accomplish whatever I wanted to do at that place. The only thing matter is that I have to go to that place. So since then I would drive, even if it meant driving one hour instead of ten minutes I would drive and find myself at the place where I wanted to be. When I was doing that, I felt frustrated all the time that I was burning gas and wasting time for no reason. At that time my goal was probably to get to that interview on time or do that task on time. When I failed to do that I would feel angry, disappointed, and frustrated. The interesting fact is that I did not realize these experiences could mean anything else. That feeling of anger to myself for not attempting to be familiarized with the city for last three years made me feel like know every highway, road, allies, corner of the city. Long story short, I have made myself familiar with every highway, roads, and allies of the city if not all the corners. Now how does this connect to the bigger picture of my life? When I looked at my recent past I realized that I kept failing at everything and since this experience with driving, I told myself just keep going. Even if I am failing at every attempt the good thing is that I was at least able to attempt it in the first place. And when I fail to understand something on time but did understand somewhere along the line I kept telling myself, the good thing is that I understood, It doesn’t matter when. When I find myself lost and have no hope, I kept telling myself just keep living. The whole point of all of this is to remind myself again and again that may be there is a goal for my life, maybe it’s not what I intended for myself, maybe it’s not I would achieve on time; but the point is if keep working hard, keep experimenting, keep living, one day I will be able to see the culmination of all the experiences and where I reach was probably my destiny. Hopefully then I will realize what was the whole purpose everything that I am doing now. For now, I should just try to work hard, be happy, and live a meaningful day.
When I first started my blog, the plan was that as I keep writing I will be able to keep a written record of the changes that happened in my life. I wished to go back and read my old posts to see what was going on in my life and what kind of decisions I have made in those situations. However, I wasn’t able to go back and read a single post. It’s not because I don’t have time but just because I can’t do it. I can’t bring myself to read about my past. I am horrified to know what I was thinking at the moment of crisis or at good times and what led me to where I am today. For now I just simply chose not to revisit my past, Instead focus on my present. I will Keep writing because I know one day I will overcome the struggles I am facing now and on those days I think I will enjoy reading about my journey.
I know hatred is a strong word to use and I know I should not even complain. I have lost the right to complain a long time ago. But for last few days I am starting to develop this strong sense of hatred toward life as I struggle with my new minimum wage job (it’s another story how I dropped to minimum wage job), wait to hear back about my financial aid appeal, and wonder how I can arrange the money to go back to school. The only thing I can think all the time is that I hate my job that doesn’t pay me enough, hate the wait to know if I will get money to go school, and hate that I ruined everything because I couldn’t handle some minor issues in my life. I am really not sure what else to feel but hatred and anger and disappointment.
It’s been few weeks that I haven’t posted anything. Well, I tried but every time I sit down to write something nothing happens. My mind goes blank. I am really having the feeling that I am a serious kind of stupid person. Anyhow I have decided to practice one of the lesson I got from my intro to psych class. The professor would make us sit down for 20 minutes once every week and ask us to write anything that’s in our mind. It doesn’t have to make sense. All we had to do is just to try to put down whatever was in our mind at that moment. When he asked us to do it, it seemed a pretty easy job to do. However, soon I realized that when it comes to writings my thoughts are really not well expressed.