Poverty or Lack of hard work?

I am starting sense another bad work experience. This week I kept getting my hours cut in half on every scheduled shift. I really should start looking for a job before I become really frustrated with the current one. I was really hoping that I don’t run into troubles with this job. Despite the low wage, I was really interested in this job. It’s because of the flexible hours they have. They are open 24/7 which means I have a lot of options of when I want to work. If My finaid appeal does get rejected I was hoping to find a part time job on campus and do this job in the afternoon or nights or in weekends. I think it’s doable. But the way they are cutting my hours, I am starting to lose my hope of staying at this job at least for the next semester. I don’t know where I am planning wrong this time but everything seems like falling apart again right before I start School! I really don’t want to take out a private loan and I am not even sure if I can take out one given my parents’ and my financial situation. Sometimes I feel really about the fact that I am poor my parents are poor and I have no one to pull me up from the problems. Every time I try to do it by myself, everything just falls apart even before I can start. I don’t know if should blame poverty or my lack of effort on this situation at this time. I don’t think I am not working hard this time but who knows. May be I Can’t see what I am doing wrong.

Favorite Movie

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I am an avid reader of Sarat Chandra Chattopadhyay. The first time I picked up one of his book was when I was in sixth grade. Since then I’ve read and re-read many of his novels. To me there’s still no better entertainment than reading one of his book. I love being lost in one of the villages or towns of his stories or maybe sometimes in one of the many fascinating character he created. In India and Bangladesh it has become an obsession by the movie makers to adapt one of his very famous novel “Devdas”. This novel is pretty much adapted once every decade either in India or Bangladesh. Among many of the adaptations of this novel I like the one directed by Sanjay Lila Bansali and starred by Shahrukh Khan, Aishwarya Rai, and Madhuri Dixit along with few other great actor and actresses. I am not sure how I liked this movie because usually people who read the book and like it, don’t like the movie adaptation of that book. This movie is also not very accurate portrait of the book. The screenwriter took the liberty to change many dialogues and scenes as he saw fit to the story. Yet, I fell in love with this movie! This movie has become one of my most favorite movies of all time. In the beginning I used to sit there and actually watch the whole three hours of the movie. But now I skip here and there but still go back to watching this movie when I find myself wondering what to do. I think even if someone doesn’t like the story or doesn’t know the language , they can just sit there and indulge on the great visuals of this movie. There was no movie like this where the great music, dance, and beauty came together so perfectly.

My evil sister

Well so much for the good time…”sigh”…I couldn’t fall asleep after the somewhat easy night shift…so by the afternoon, I was tired as hell…all I wanted is to go back to sleep but I thought I had another night shift tonight. Once I went to work I realized that I missed a shift on day before yesterday and I had no work today. I was kind of relieved because I really just wanted to go to sleep. Oh, my sisters also came this afternoon. It’s really not going as good as I anticipated. My immediate younger sister started bitching about how she’s annoyed by my youngest sister ever since she got on the bus. She also kept complaining about her friend, the friend she suggested that I should invite. Even though I was disturbed by all these complaining, I ignored it and tried to be good sport. Since I was home I made them hot coca, bought ice cream, and made salsa & chips. I sat down with her watched the TV show she likes while her friend and my youngest sister played video games. Now at 3:30 am and I requested everyone to go to sleep cause I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. Everyone packed up and went to sleep except her. She just kept Watching one episode after another. I started to get really pissed off but said nothing. So finally she stopped watching when her laptop ran out of battery. I don’t know who she was angry at but she Started showing off an attitude again to my youngest sister. Now I am trying to help her and I thought if she comes here she will experience a little change then go back to school, start fresh. She’s facing the same problem as me. She has a horrible study habit, takes on more than she can handle, and a parents who thinks the only way to solve her problem is through micromanaging. I faced the same struggle at her age and I thought if I step in may be I can help her. May be she won’t have to fail her classes to learn the lesson. But she’s becoming increasingly impossible to help. I mean how can you help someone when that person knows only to complain and sulk over her grades but never really take any effective steps to improve the situation? She is the one who wanted to come here, asked me to help her with homework but now she’s complaining that she should go back home. I know what will happen when she goes back home. She will spend all day watching anime or other TV shows. And my dad who has high blood pressure and all sorts of disease will become so sick that he can almost have a heart attack. My mom is under depression medication for three years now and when she starts doing these things mom just goes into an even deeper depressed mood. They only feel better when I reassure them again and again that I will make sure she does her homework and go to school regularly. My only wish is if I only knew how to do it. And as for this holiday, I can see that it’s ruined. The good time I was hoping to have, she wont let me. She always has a way to ruin everything. The days I go home or try to help her out are also the days I become very sure that I don’t ever want to have kids. The facts that the cute kids will one day grow up and become teenagers like her or may be worse scares the heck out of me. But I still go back to and try to help because I feel like all the problem she’s going through aren’t entirely her fault. She’s still a minor after all. I can’t wait till the day she becomes an adult and starts making her own decisions. Only then I feel like I can blame her entirely for her stupidity or laziness or whatever it is. I think I am eagerly waiting for that day.

Family and relationship

So today is Friday. I have work at 11pm tonight. This is the first time in my life I am doing night shift. My sisters were supposed to come today since today was their last day at school. Then I realized bus fare tomorrow is only six dollars,  they are coming tomorrow. I didn’t have work on last two days. Most of my day was gone sleeping. Last two days were also the laziest time in weeks, I think. Laziness might have something to do with depression. Given my current situation, constantly checking if my appeal was still reviewed, last two days of extreme laziness kind of dragged me into a deeper depressed mood. I was hoping if my sisters are here then I will lighten up but I guess I will have to wait one more day. Since I am not doing anything, I kind of hope that I will spend time with my boyfriend. So from my point of view we haven’t had a nice time for almost two weeks now. I went home on last Wednesday and stayed until Tuesday. On those days we only shared few SMS. I don’t get much time to talk with him when I am home because my parents and sisters just block my whole to find out any extra time for anything else. In any case, I was hoping once I am back we will figure out a time to chat which we haven’t. Well he calls me in the morning for five-ten minutes before he goes to work and then on two of his break for five minutes each. That is all our conversation for the whole day. I don’t know if I mentioned, he lives in Australia. Anyhow, he thinks he spends all his day either working or talking to me while I keep thinking that’s not real talk, that’s chit chat. I don’t know what I was exactly expecting from him over the Christmas break but he is going out with his friends to celebrate the Christmas. I am not that mad right now because I know I will be busy. What kind of saddens me is that if we keep doing that we will never have free time to sit down and talk or spend time. For some reason I don’t feel like to be the person who initiate the conversation to figure out time for each other. It is probably because even last night he told he spends most of his time working or talking to me. To get rid of this problem I am thinking of not talking to him at all on weekdays. The problem is I don’t have a good routine which I can follow. If I have day shift this week then night shift next week. And also I think the distance is taking a toll on this relationship finally. I don’t like the fact that he is not here on my bad days or on good days.

“As long as you…

“As long as you keep walking, you’ll find your destination”

I am not sure where or how I found this quote but this quote alone has been a great inspiration for me. For me it’s not enough just to hear a great quote. If I can’t relate with it than I’ll probably know it just as wise word and never really try to use it to inspire or help me in my life. It’s weird how I connect to this quote. I came to the city I live now on 2009 to attend in the University. My first year I lived in dorm and second year lived in a heavily student populated area which was only five minutes walk from the main campus. On the third year I decided to move further in order to save money on rent. So I moved twenty minutes drive away from the main campus. However, I never had to drive because there was a university shuttle line from my apartment to the campus. This is also heavily student populated area due to the shuttle service. Since then I have been living here but I wasn’t going to school all the time. I was dismissed for the second time while I was living here. So I had to start looking for job, preferably full time to support myself. This is when I first had to start going to other parts of the city where I have never been. It’s because I only went to campus and came back to my apartment and I was only familiar with the surrounding few hundred feet of my apartment and the campus. All these years I didn’t even know how to drive from campus to my apartment because I always took the shuttle. I never noticed which route we were taking. As soon as I was in the bus I would start to listen to music or read or just get into daydreams. The result was that in those three years I didn’t know anything about this city. So When I started looking for job and needed to go for interview I found myself lost all the time. I have to mention that this is when I borrowed the car; I used to drive in high school, from my dad. Before that I also never attempted to drive on highway. So in this unknown city with no experience on highways I was forced to get on the road and start driving. I tried taking public transportation for few months and speaking of truth public transportation sucks in this city as it does in many hundreds of other American cities. In addition to the unfamiliar layout of the city I didn’t have any GPS. So every time I had to go out for something I would look into Google map once, twice, trice and sometimes more. However, as soon I had hit the road I would find myself lost may be because I took a wrong turn or didn’t recognize the signs or whatever. Then I would find myself driving for twenty thirty minutes extra, sometimes hours because I didn’t know which highway connects with what or what direction will lead me somewhere near where I live. It would be increasingly frustrating and many times I missed the interview or doctor appointments or other important stuffs because I was lost and I couldn’t find my ways back. Eventually I developed this stubbornness that it doesn’t matter if I am there on time, it doesn’t matter if I can accomplish whatever I wanted to do at that place. The only thing matter is that I have to go to that place. So since then I would drive, even if it meant driving one hour instead of ten minutes I would drive and find myself at the place where I wanted to be. When I was doing that, I felt frustrated all the time that I was burning gas and wasting time for no reason. At that time my goal was probably to get to that interview on time or do that task on time. When I failed to do that I would feel angry, disappointed, and frustrated. The interesting fact is that I did not realize these experiences could mean anything else. That feeling of anger to myself  for not attempting to be familiarized with the city for last three years made me feel like know every highway, road, allies, corner of the city. Long story short, I have made myself familiar with every highway, roads, and allies of the city if not all the corners. Now how does this connect to the bigger picture of my life? When I looked at my recent past I realized that I kept failing at everything and since this experience with driving, I told myself just keep going. Even if I am failing at every attempt the good thing is that I was at least able to attempt it in the first place. And when I fail to understand something on time but did understand somewhere along  the line I kept telling myself, the good thing is that I understood, It doesn’t matter when. When I find myself lost and have no hope, I kept telling myself just keep living. The whole point of all of this is to remind myself again and again that may be there is a goal for my life, maybe it’s not what I intended for myself, maybe it’s not I would achieve on time; but the point is if keep working hard, keep experimenting, keep living, one day I will be able to see the culmination of all the experiences and where I reach was probably my destiny. Hopefully then I will realize what was the whole purpose everything that I am doing now. For now, I should just try to work hard, be happy, and live a meaningful day.

Old posts

When I first started my blog, the plan was that as I keep writing I will be able to keep a written record of the changes that happened in my life. I wished to go back and read my old posts to see what was going on in my life and what kind of decisions I have made in those situations. However, I wasn’t able to go back and read a single post. It’s not because I don’t have time but just because I can’t do it. I can’t bring myself to read about my past. I am horrified to know what I was thinking at the moment of crisis or at good times and what led me to where I am today. For now I just simply chose not to revisit my past, Instead focus on my present. I will Keep writing because I know one day I will overcome the struggles I am facing now and on those days I think I will enjoy reading about my journey.

My first glimpse

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This is a picture I took on last september when I went to visit the Grand Canyon…It wasn’t really that impressive to tell you the truth. I enjoyed more my stay at New Mexico. Even though I got tired of the grandness of the Canyon pretty soon, my first glimpse at the canyon was breath taking. So I wanted to share with you guys what I saw.

Hatred

I know hatred is a strong word to use and I know I should not even complain. I have lost the right to complain a long time ago. But for last few days I am starting to develop this strong sense of hatred toward life as I struggle with my new minimum wage job (it’s another story how I dropped to minimum wage job), wait to hear back about my financial aid appeal, and wonder how I can arrange the money to go back to school. The only thing I can think all the time is that I hate my job that doesn’t pay me enough, hate the wait to know if I will get money to go school, and hate that I ruined everything because I couldn’t handle some minor issues in my life. I am really not sure what else to feel but hatred and anger and disappointment.

The steps before going back to college

So there are few updates in my life…I am trying to go back to school…in the process of going back I facing these step by step problems. At first i was worried that i might not be able to apply on time. I just got laid off and as the application deadline approached I was down to negative balance in my bank account.Yes that’s right! I was overdraft and that was intentional. I would be lying if I said I had no help. My boyfriend kept giving me money whenever and whatever he can afford. In any case I just kept finding myself with no money. I was pretty determined not to ask my parents. Now my anger against them kind melted down a long time ago. The reason I was angry or kept trying to do it all by myself without their help has disappeared a long time ago. Even though the reason wasn’t there anymore I still wanted to do it by myself. at least I tried till the end. but i couldn’t avoid asking for help anymore. I was starting feel incredibly guilty to ask my bf to help me out all the time. So one day before the application deadline I asked my dad to give hundred bucks. He doesn’t know why he gave me that money but I am thanks he gave me without any question. I was able to at least apply on time. Now that I got accepted I would have to go through the advising to clear my bar for registration on january. When I first met the biology advisor ( my first major), she kind in wats told me that I should look for other majors. Even though I strongly feel that it’s not the subject rather my lack of good study habit and other circumstanced caused all the failure, I was kind of unwillingly forced to look for other subjects to study. Then I guess it was a stupid idea to jump into thinking that they would be okay with me doing computer science. same story again I was strongly advised to look for something else. At this point I was kind of lost cause I really didn’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’s a problem with my personality or low self esteem or whatever it is. I felt like everyone was conspiring against me to keep me out of school. Everyone seemed unhelpful and unwilling or i should say discouraging. In any case, the sociology class I took through university extension really excited me. So i thought why not talk to sociology advisor. It turned out if pursue a sociology major I can graduate in an year along with a certificate in elements of computing. Well for now I have decided to go with that. I said for now because the classes I am taking for the computing certificate can also be used for a CS degree. In case I like the subject I will change the major once I manage to survive this sprig semester. So these were my plans until I had start thinking about paying for the tuition. This third step is still on going. The financial aid office put a bar on my aid despite the fact that I received two B+ on the last two course I took through the university extension. I think it’s reasonable because I still don’t have 2.00 GPA. So I can only try and see if they would change their mind. With that hope I submitted an appeal on thursday afternoon to the financial aid office. I am still waiting to hear back from. Chances are they will reject my appeal and I have to figure out other ways to pay for tuition. This is hard. For last three days I kind of feel like my whole world is at a pause mode. I really can’t think of alternatives. But so far I am thinking of paying half of it through credit card. And half by cash and that i have to save by holding full time job may be along with a part time. I haven’t figured that out. On the contrary I am thinking of going back part time. I have enough money on credit card to pay for the part time tuition. With the full time job I have I can manage to pay the minimum payment. I also thought of private loan. The problem with private loan is that my parents’ income is very low and i don’t think they can co-sign for me. Plus I still don’t want them to help me out. I don’t think banks will just let me borrow by myself but I will give it a try. If taking out private doesn’t work out for me then I will go with using the credit card and enrolling part time. Now only if I knew what the financial aid office decided. There is nothing more exhausting than the feeling of uncertainty.